I had several clients who were married to and divorced from a psychopath or in a relationship and out of a relationship. They successfully exited these circumstances, when they finally got the psychopath to leave. The reason the psychopaths left was not because the victim had protested enough that he or she finally gave up and left. They left because they found a new victim to fill the romantic manipulation void in their life.
This gives you the space necessary to try to recover from the psychopathic episode that feels like you were forced to participate in. So, you set about to find ways to heal from this catastrophic chapter of your life.
Just when you’re starting to feel like there is hope for having a life that has some sense of normalcy in it, what happens? You guessed it. The psychopath returns. Only this time, he or she is so humble and repentant, charming with a heart full of love for you. So much so, that he or she would do anything, even lay down his or her life for you.
You think you might have judged him or her too harshly. I mean, he was raised in conditions that would lend themselves to fostering a person who was somewhat broken, and this poor person would have to create coping mechanisms to get through life and survive, and this could clearly be misdiagnosed as psychopathy. You reason, this is just a deeply wounded child trapped in an adult body, who is now crying out for your help.
What do you do?
You reason with the psychopathic ex and you create a list of ground rules, maybe even write up a contract for the psychopath to read, agree to, and sign, as you agree to welcome him or her back to help this poor person to develop some kind of real life, as you feel badly about misjudging this person that you remember having loving feelings for before your assuming psychopathy had found its way into your life.
Why do you do this?
Because you are a loving, caring, compassionate, and empathetic person. You don’t like to see people struggling with abuse, and you feel as though you, with all your skills and abilities, might be able to offer help, or at least hope, in trying to help this [person have a better life.
You are a good person. That is exactly why the psychopath returned. The reality is the last person the psychopath used to fill that romantic victim spot was not as good a person as you and was not able to completely fulfill the void. Not as well as you did. So, he or she will do or say anything to have another chance to further victimize you.
I know, the tears appear to be real, and it appears as though he or she has had a true change of heart, and even though you realize you are not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist, you think you can still offer this poor soul some positive support.
And you’re absolutely right. You can resume some kind of relationship with this person, and allow him or her to further victimize you, at least until the psychopath finds someone else who might have more resources than you to fill the void instead of you.
I know, this makes you feel bad, even stupid, because you know better than this. Still, it happens far too often, and many times over and over again. How many times? You might ask. How many times allowing the repentant psychopath come back and start the lying, cheating, scandalous victimization all over again? Is once enough? Twice? Three times?
Sadly, the more proficient and skilled your psychopath is, the longer he or she will be able to exploit your loving kindness.
The only hope you have is to build your own anti-psycho-skills and use the tools from the psychopath victims tool kit to stop this psycho from using you, once and for all.