We have run across many psychopath victims who claim that they were victimized by a pair of psychopathic parents. According to the adult child victims, both parents test positive for psychopathy, no doubt about it. As with all things psychopathic, things are not always what they seem.
When two psychopaths pair up, it is an exciting wild ride in the beginning, but it doesn’t take long and the whole affair crashes in a ball of flames. The relationship between two psychopaths vying for top billing is generally unsustainable for any length of time. That is not to say that it isn’t possible, only highly unlikely.
What is more likely, when two parents both appear to be psychopaths, is that there is one psychopath, and the other is a hapless victim. If you look at psychopaths in relationships, we know that when two psychopaths hook up, in most cases, they have a good time together, but it is an extremely short-lived relationship.
When a psychopath gets into an intimate relationship with a partner, the partner is seen as a tool, a source of support or supply for a desired outcome. Depending on the part played by the partner, the relationship will last the amount of time that the partner is able to meet the needs of the psychopath, after his or her needs are met, the relationship ends (and the end is not pretty, to say the least). That is, unless the partner awakens, seeing the psychopath for who he or she is, and finds a way to exit the relationship with the least amount of damage.
When you see what appears to be a functional pair of psychopaths in a long-term relationship, this is usually an illusion. In reality, one of them is a powerful psychopath, and in general, the victim was only attractive to the psychopath as a source of supply. In an effort to survive, the victim assimilates a powerfully supportive role and develops a personality that becomes a cohesive match to the psychopath. Sometimes, the victim becomes a totally polar opposite personality that the psychopath uses to manipulate others, and other times the victim takes on the personality traits of the psychopath and they exploit others to achieve their goals.
If you think that you are the son or daughter of psychopathic parents, this is probably what you are dealing with; one of your parents is a psychopath, and as a method of survival, the other victim parent has taken on the personality of the psychopath, not unlike Stockholm syndrome, where kidnap victims develop deep psychological bonds with their captors. It happens. And the longer time passes, you are increasingly unable to tell the predator from the victim.
This is the more likely scenario.
When you first learn of this, there is an inclination to feel the need to reach out to the parent that you think is the “victim” in the relationship in order to “save” him or her. No one would blame you for that. You would be well-advised not to do so. Many have tried, and so few have been successful that statistics are unavailable. But for all the people who have tried, they all report such severe pain and suffering from taking on the psychopathic couple (even though only one of them is clinically diagnosed as a psychopath) that may have been worth it, if they were to be able to save the faux psychopath, but in retrospect, they regret their decision to try to intervene.
How do you deal with psychopathic parents?
You treat them just like you would any other psychopathic family member. Establish boundaries to protect yourself from their psychopathic influences. Stop being a source of supply to them, and do not engage in any of their psychopathic street ploys (street ploys are psychopathically coordinated theatrical events that are performed in front of a carefully selected cast of “witnesses” to sway the thoughts of an unsuspecting mark, target, community, or the community at large).
Psychopathic parents often use their children as bargaining chips to influence others (and this kind of abuse covers the entire spectrum of victimization, from light psychological manipulation to full-blown exploitation or physical violence depending on the psychopathic parent).
Place a safe amount of distance between you and your psychopathic parents. Start with breaking the emotional ties to your psycho parents to save your heart and soul, and physical space, which may be miles or states away, to prevent them from having access to stop the exploitation of you and your family.
If you can effectively protect yourself with limited access to your mother and father who are psychopaths, good for you. If they further seek to pursue and manipulate you, you may have to cut off all ties to them completely.
This sounds like drastic advice to families with a “family first” culture, but let there be no doubt, if you are being victimized by anyone, including a family member, you are under no obligation to submit yourself to such abuse, and you must take action to protect yourself from further abuse, to have a chance to carve out a fulfilling life for yourself, while you still can.
See: How to Deal with a Psychopath Family Member