Dealing with your mother-in-law who may very well be a psychopath is a risky proposition because your mother-in-law is indeed a psychopath, the best advice would be complete and utter isolation. Either you and your spouse will cut her off completely, or if your husband will not join you, then you need to get out of the relationship and get as far away as fast as you can to avoid any further damage or abuse.
Of course, that is easier said than done, so if you choose to stay in the relationship, you are signing on for a hard road ahead, that you may be able to survive if you are very strong. This will be your defining challenge.
The good news is that many mother-in-laws who are believed to be psychopaths may not be psychopaths at all. If your mother-in-law is not a psychopath, there is more hope for the path that lays ahead of you because psychopathy is a human condition for which there is no cure or adequate therapeutic intervention.
If your spouse’s mother is not a psychopath, you can evaluate her reaction to you and ask if there is a chance that you remind her of some toxic personality she may have encountered in her past, and maybe she is projecting this personality onto you. It may be a subconscious triggering that she does not even know is happening.
Instead of allowing yourself to be sucked into her drama, you can find the wherewithal to disconnect yourself from any emotional connection to her responses. This will enable to you keep your logical mind intact when you are disrespected, ridiculed, or otherwise attacked. If she is raging at you, stand back and watch her sh*t show, as if you were watching it on television. Do not defend yourself or otherwise respond emotionally. If you are emotionally disconnected you can evaluate her display and look for clues to help uncover the source of her hatred of you.
If you feel as though you must respond, with all the calm sound mindedness you can muster, only state how you feel. Start any response with, “I’m sorry, but I feel as though…” follow it by your truth, without any emotional overtones or defensive words.
You are not the one out-of-pocket here, you are the one who has control of your emotions. You are not trying to manipulate anyone or retaliate in any way. You are letting your psycho-mother-in-law release her rage in whatever way she sees fit, as you look for clues along the way.
As you are looking for clues, you will be learning what words and phrases are triggers for her, refrain from using them. If certain scenarios lead to her cutting loose on you, then avoid those situations, or find ways to keep a safe distance from her at events where she might be more apt to lose her mind.
Setting boundaries is necessary for dealing with any toxic personality in your life, especially one as close and influential on your life as your mother-in-law might be. Heaven forbid the future you will face if your mother-in-law is a psychopath and she already has your spouse firmly on her psychological grasp. Do your best to set boundaries in all areas of life, and expect your spouse to back you up.
If you are to have any success dealing with your mother-in-law, you will need the full support of your spouse, without it, you will suffer continually until all is said and done (you are divorced, or worse). With their support, your mother-in-law can take the time she needs to adapt to your lifestyle, with the full understanding of what will be tolerated and what will not. If she wants to be a continued part of your family, she will have to decide what she will do.
If your best efforts seem strenuous and she is resistant to compliance, try separating yourself physically and geographically if you can. That will be a wake-up call. If she doesn’t start to respond appropriately, increase the space.
Be firm and stay the course, do not give in to her psycho-drama. Do not let her throw you off your game (and she will try). God willing, her influence over you and your husband or wife will fade over time, and you will be able to carve out a new life free from her overbearing rule.
If your mother-in-law is a psychopath, know that she will never change, and it is up to you to determine how much pain you will endure and for how long.
Plan and execute your exit strategy when appropriate if necessary.