The biggest error, misconception, and disservice which compounds psychopathic abuse are to blame the psychopath victim. Yet, well-meaning doctors, lawyers, law enforcement officials, friends, and family continue to do so, reinforcing the psychopath’s grip on the victim’s psyches resulting in greater pain and suffering, especially in the beginning.
The process of healing, recovery, and therapeutic intervention are all valid but normally move at a slower pace than other types of treatment modalities. If you fall off your horse, you are expected to get back on. If they are afraid of the water, throw them into the pool and let them figure it out. These may be valid approaches but might be extremely dangerous approaches when applied to the victim of a predatory psychopath.
Taking responsibility for negative life situations and circumstances and empowering victims to reengage and take charge of their life circumstances are part of the recovery process but should be put off until the victim has established separation and safety from the psychopath, either emotionally or physically.
In many cases, supporters and responders have no idea about how severe the pain and suffering of the predatory psychopath victim can be, and so they respond and offer suggestions that you might make to any other victim. Friends and family may suggest retaliation. Therapists and counselors may suggest scheduling a face-to-face mediated meeting. Doctors, lawyers, and law enforcement may suggest filing charges. All of which may have dire consequences for the victim.
To make matters worse, if the responders and supporters have knowledge of the psychopath’s public persons, there is a good chance they believe that the psychopath could not be guilty of the reports issued by the victim. In many cases, the best predatory psychopaths are well-regarded and revered members of the community. They are so deceptive and cunning that no one could even imagine them “doing such a thing.”
And this does not even take into consideration how the victim may intensely feel about the psychopath. In many cases, the victim has developed a strong attachment to the predatory psychopath. If the relationship contained any hint of romantic influence, the victim may be deeply in love with the psycho, regardless of what pain and suffering they may have endured at the hands of their abuser.
It is not unlike the four-year-old child of violent physical parental abuse. When the authorities intervene and come to rescue the broken and bruised baby from the abusive parent, the young child clings to the very source of their pain and suffering, crying and asking the very person who nearly killed them to protect them from being saved from their life of violence. Why? Because they have been conditioned to believe that this is what must be endured in order to survive, and without the abusive parent in their life, they feel helpless, hopeless, and fear death. So, they resist in any way they can, until they are ultimately separated and placed in a safe and secure environment.
No one would suggest to this little child that he or she was responsible for their own suffering from the violent abuse dispensed by maybe the only person in the world they loved and trusted. No, you would instead keep them safe and secure, not blaming, accusing, or judging them, while finding ways for them to feel what kindness, caring, and love might be like when expressed without violence.
It is this type of sacred space that the psychopath victim needs at the outset allowing them the time that they need to reacclimate to life before engaging in the cognitive process of recovery.
This is not the time for soul searching, taking responsibility, or trying to figure out how this could have happened. And how much time does it take? That is up to the victim, and it is different for every one of them.
If you want to blame the psychopath victim and add to their pain and suffering exponentially, then ask them,
How did you get yourself into this?
Why didn’t you do or say something sooner?
How could you have let this happen to you?
Why did you attract this in your life?
Or suggest that they,
Talk to him or her to reason this out
Examine circumstances that led to this
Expose him or her in the media
Get a restraining order
Let’s take this to court
File criminal charges
Let’s go kick his ass!
Or worse,
Just get over it.
And you may just see the victim that you are trying to help isolate themselves, disassociate from you, sink into even more severe depression, and have thoughts of taking their own life.
Not what you want. Right?
Then don’t fall into the tendency to blame the psychopath victim. Instead offer them the sacred space necessary to ground themselves at their own pace, then offer them suggestions, when they are ready.
When are they ready? When they ask you for your advice.
Even so, tread softly. Honor their circumstance and allow them to opt in to your suggestions or not. Let them step forward or take two steps back if they feel like they are not ready, yet. Continue to help them maintain a safe and secure sacred space while they heal and recover.
And Don’t Blame the Psychopath Victim.
Here are a few examples of how a psychopath might turn the tables on their victim:
- Blaming the victim for their own behavior: For instance, if the victim confronts the psychopath about a lie, the psychopath might respond by saying something like, “I wouldn’t have to lie if you weren’t always on my case.”
- Accusing the victim of being overly sensitive: If the victim expresses hurt or anger over something the psychopath has done, the psychopath might say something like, “You’re always so sensitive. I can’t even joke around with you without you getting upset.”
- Claiming the victim is the one who is crazy: If the victim tries to confront the psychopath about their behavior, the psychopath might respond by saying something like, “You’re the one with the problem. You’re always overreacting and making things up.”
- Suggesting the victim is being paranoid: If the victim expresses suspicion that the psychopath is lying or manipulating them, the psychopath might say something like, “You’re being paranoid. I can’t believe you would think that of me.”
- Projecting their own faults onto the victim: If the psychopath is guilty of a particular behavior, they might accuse the victim of that behavior instead. For instance, if the psychopath is cheating on their partner, they might accuse their partner of being unfaithful.
In each of these cases, the psychopath is using a tactic known as “gaslighting,” which involves manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or memories. The goal is to make the victim feel as though they are the one who is in the wrong, rather than the psychopath.